I saw Les Miserables tonight for the first time. I've known the music from it and much of the story for a while, but I had never actually seen or read it for myself. Honestly, I don't know how to respond to it in a clear and concise way. Whatever the opposite of an emotional high is...that's what I am feeling. Not a low feeling of despair or sadness. But something deep inside me is riveted. There were so many peices of the story that resonated deeply in my heart. I don't think given a week I could unpack it all...so I apologize for the rambling mess I am typing now, just a few hours later. The only thing I can say with any certainty is that it is truly one of the most heartbreakingly beautiful things I have ever seen.
My husband asked me what I thought as soon as it ended and I couldn't answer. Truthfully I still can't. There are too many things I need to process. I was thankful that we met at the theater after work, so I could have some time alone with my thoughts on the drive home.
I couldn't get past how haunting, and heartbreaking, and timeless it was. Or the state that I was in after seeing it. I was an emotional mess. My heart was full with turmoil, triumph, misery, and unexplainable hope. It still is. And it got me thinking, "If I feel this much weight from a story, how much more must Victor Hugo have felt?" I mean, can you imagine? To say it takes you on an emotional roller coaster would be the understatement of the century. And I am just a viewer/reader! Victor Hugo created, shaped, birthed this incredible story and likely felt tenfold or more what I do right now! That thought is so overwhelming it feels heavy to me.
Why do I say this? Because I was a writer, and authors don't lie when they say the story lives on in their minds. When you create a character and a conflict, you experience with them what they are feeling. You walk with them more intimately than a reader ever can. You feel the weight of their despair, the pull of their perservance. In so many ways their feelings are yours. It's a rush to create and craft, but it is exhausting in a way I can't even begin to articulate.
I just can't imagine the burden Victor Hugo must have felt carrying Les Mis around inside him. It scares me. And I realize now, as I type this, that that is precisely why I stopped writing a few years ago. Because I feel everything deeply. I know that everybody has feelings, and we all have our moments when we don't think we could possibly feel any worse or better than we do right then. But over the past several years, I have learned that I feel things on a deeper level than some of the other people I am around. When I love someone, I love them so much it hurts. When they are hurting, I hurt with them. And when I have lost a loved one I am acutely aware of the emptiness I have that only that person could fill. I just live on a different plane emotionally than some others do. Not to say I don't know how to deal with those feelings. I do, and I am so thankful for the gift and practice of being emotionally healthy. But knowing how deeply I feel things, and how emotional it is to craft an engaging tale, I have chosen not to open myself up to that.
The last time I wrote a story was for a creative writing class I took my sophmore year of college. After finishing it, exhaustion overcame me. I wanted to sleep for a week. Instead, I got to go to class where every single one of my classmates read it. I have never felt more vulnerable in my life. Like I was turned inside out, with my soul beared for everyone to see. It was even worse than letting somebody read my journal because there were pieces of me sprinkled throughout the pages that hadn't manifested until they were in the story. All of the things I felt with that experience have kept me from writing sense then. Because I am afraid of the places inside me that writing will take me.
I hadn't thought about that until now. And I am actually surprised by this revelation I am having. I don't tend to be a fearful person. I am typically a strong person, who faces conflict or uncomfortable situations head on, even though I am at heart a peace maker. And when I am processing some sort of painful situation I dive right into it rather than running from it. So its no wonder I hadn't realized I was scared until now.
Despite the fact that I haven't written in a few years, I am still a writer at heart. There are still stories always forming in my mind, truths begging to be shared. The ideas keep coming to me and forming no matter what I do or where I am. And I carry with me the weight of the conflicts in each one because they haven't been released yet. I fear the feelings I will experience and the things about myself I will learn whenever I do start writing again. But I think it is finally time to stop letting fear rule me.
This spring I have a unique oppertunity. My husband will be out of the state for a few months, taking some classes for work. And my job has permitted me to take that time off and go with him. Many people have been asking me if I am excited, and I haven't known how to respond. I am looking forward to being with Dan; he is my best friend and soul mate, so I hate to be away from him for long. But I also hate being bored. I really love to work, and feeling a sense of purpose for what I do each day. Needless to say 2 months of a blank schedule hasn't sounded very appealing. I see now that the open schedule is a gift, an oppertunity to face my fear, and delve into the gift of story-telling God has given me. I'm scared. So scared I am pretty seriously considering not posting this. Because I know if I post it I have to follw through. (Sometimes I hate that responsibility is my top strength.) But I know and trust that when I am uncomfortable, weak, and scared God is still good. And He uses these moments to teach us, mold us, and pull out of us gifts that have been hidden.
He has been tugging at my heart a long time to get me to dive into it. So while I am away this summer I am committing to write at least 4 days a week for at least 30 minutes. Hold me accountable if you want. This is something I need to develop, and I could use all of the help I could get.
